Dreading family drama during the holidays? These tips can help keep the peace at home

For some, the holiday season can feel like a ticking time bomb.

Between packed schedules, family dynamics and hefty expectations, it doesn’t take much to make it explode.

But while the threat of family conflict can’t be entirely eliminated, there are steps you can take to help keep the peace during those long holiday evenings around the dinner table.

Host gatherings at your house

Travel can turn any event, no matter how pleasant, into a whirlwind of stress and emotion. Therapist Elizabeth Scott says you can remove that layer of tension by hosting the annual holiday get-together at your own home.

“This is also a good solution when you have too many groups or relatives to take turns seeing: invite everyone to celebrate together, and you will get to see everyone more often,” she wrote for Very Well Mind.

While mixing circles might not work for all families, Scott says, it can lead to stronger relationships among groups of relatives who otherwise wouldn’t interact.

Consider your audience

If you do host at your home, your holiday gathering is likely to draw in family and friends with diverse backgrounds, interests and preferences. Psychologist Hal Shorey says to prepare for how these factors might influence discussion and how comments are perceived.

“Do you have that judgmental relative who comments on your clothes, home décor, or even dish towels? Prepare for how you want to address those,” he wrote for Quartz.

Shorey recommends having a few preconceived responses on hand:

“If someone makes a snide comment on your dish towels, for example, you could say, ‘I’ll take that as a compliment.’ ” he says. “If someone comments on politics, you could say, ‘It sure is an interesting time in our country.’ ”

Be curious, not judgmental

It turns out, your uncle’s wild and aggressive political stance might only be the tip of the iceberg, according to mediator Alexandria Skinner.

When a family member makes a strong proclamation you may disagree with, Skinner suggests asking open-ended, nonjudgmental questions to better understand the underlying drivers. Comments like “tell me more about that” are a good place to start.

“It may surprise you when the real issue or basis for the belief is totally different from the way that concern was expressed at first,” Skinner says.

During lower-level conflicts, she also recommends asking family members to clarify comments you disagree with or might have misunderstood.

Set your guests’ expectations

Surprise can add fuel to the conflict fire, so family therapist Carleton Kendrick suggests mitigating it before your gathering.

“These discussions should be loving, empathetic and free from warnings, anger, or criticism,” she wrote in the Huffington Post.

For example, call in advance to discuss spending caps for gifts or the schedule for the day’s festivities.

Kendrick also suggests talking with your children about how to react if a family member tries to discipline them differently than they’re used to.

Remember why you’re gathering

With all the planning and resulting stress, conflict resolution expert Priya Parkerit says it’s easy to forget why you’re getting together at all.

She told WBUR that identifying your purpose for gathering and keeping it at the forefront of your mind can help quash conflict and sooth its effects.

“Structure in a family can actually help ourselves kind of off-the-script,” Parkerit told the outlet. “Ask your allies ahead of time ... ‘where rather than just talking about politics and wondering what Aunt Millie might say, why don’t we try our Thanksgiving or our New Year’s or our Christmas around this model?’”

This story was originally published December 11, 2019 at 8:14 AM with the headline "Dreading family drama during the holidays? These tips can help keep the peace at home."