Note to wedding DJ: Please don’t catch booth on fire

Katie Madison is one of six 2017 reader columnists.
Katie Madison is one of six 2017 reader columnists. The News Tribune

Everyone says that a wedding is the happiest day of your life. What they neglect to inform you is that all the days leading up to it are the most overwhelming of your life.

According to a Real Weddings Study by The Knot, the nation’s largest source for wedding news and inspiration, the average wedding cost in the United States is a whopping $35,329.

Since when are couples required to spend all of their savings and give away their first born in order to afford a wedding? The courthouse calls our name. My fiancé is itching to toss my wedding binder into a fireplace and watch our savings continue to climb.

Speaking of my fiancé, it’s important to take a moment of silence for all the males in the wedding-planning process. Future grooms are the most patient and confused part of all this organization. We see your innocent bewilderment when we ask you to pick between Tiffany blue and teal. (No, they are not the same color.)

Many women start the wedding planning process by asking men for their opinions so they will feel involved. They soon realize the man’s opinions do not match their own, so wisely they just stop asking.

I made the mistake of informing my fiancé that people can get married at zoos. I went to use his computer one day and was bombarded by an internet search history of “local zoo wedding,” “weddings with penguins,” “penguin as a ring bearer” and “animals in wedding PETA.”

We love our significant others to death, we do, but when they question why we need to spend $200 on gold plates, it’s as if they are robbing us of all our hopes and dreams. Fights of “You never respect what my dreams are!” erupt in the house until you have finally won over your gold plates.

You know he will get all “What about saving money for our kids to go to college?” when you tell him about the porcelain cherub water fountain, so you ask your maid of honor to put it on her credit card and pay her the cash the next time you see her.

Wedding planning amazes me because there is always that one person in the couple who knows every minute detail, and then there’s the other person who desperately darts his gaze in utter panic when asked about his wedding date.

But anyone who’s nailing down the details knows there are so many things that can go wrong, hence the stress.

During the months leading up to my wedding, my dreams have included the DJ booth catching on fire, my uncle choking on a garnish from his beverage and all my bridesmaids turning on me because they decided to boycott tulle that day.

It’s easy to become caught up in the stress, because I am so intensely aware of how well all the cogs of the machine have to work together. My second cousin reminds me that none of it matters because it will be the happiest day of my life. Well, not when the bride’s “something blue” are her toes from her Nine West’s pointy heels.

All jokes aside, I am thrilled to marry my very best friend and life teammate. I am over the moon to walk past my closest friends and family (and the other obligatorily invited guests) who have gathered to celebrate our wedding day (and gain access to an open bar).

I cannot wait to smell Aunt Ruth’s Jean Naté that left a trail from her hotel room, through the streets of downtown, and to her seat at the ceremony.

At the end of it all, the intention of the day is to marry your second favorite person in the world (Ellen DeGeneres is already married) and to have your people surrounding and celebrating what truly is one of the best days of your life, tying only with the day you’re 40 years old and finally paying off all student loans.

It’s that joy that makes all the planning more than worth it.

Happy wedding season to all, and best of luck to all the newly engaged couples. You are about to embark on quite a journey.

Katie Madison of Spanaway is a soon-to-be-military wife and one of six new reader columnists writing for this page in 2017. Reach her by email at katiemadison1313@gmail.com or visit her blog kmadsblog.wordpress.com