Half a million owls could be killed — thanks to an anthropocentric version of DEI | Opinion

Multitudes of Barred Owls are scheduled to die partly because of anthropocentric notions analogous to diversity, equity and inclusion.

There is no natural equity among the owls. Some, like barred owls, simply dominate others, like spotted owls. Though they began migrating from the northeast in the early 1900s, and arrived in the Pacific Northwest at least as early as the 1970s, barred owls have been tagged as invasive as they outcompete weaker endemic species.

Another interpretation is that they are just successful, though bureaucrats at the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service (FWS) don’t acknowledge that. Instead, to counter the dynamics of the natural world, they intend to lethally enforce anthropocentric constructs like DEI to ensure the constantly failing spotted owls achieve survival equity.

It’s not enough that we’ve bent over backwards to offer the spotted owls equality of opportunity. Nope, they must have equal outcomes.

To that end, FWS plans to unleash hunters in California, Oregon and Washington to kill about half a million magnificent barred owls who dared to migrate west and had the nerve to infringe upon the protected spotted owl.

The absurd plan is for hunters to instigate barred owl commotion by mimicking their territorial calls. Once they’ve been enticed, they’ll either shoot on sight, or, if firearm use is inadvisable, they’ll capture and euthanize them. What could go wrong during nocturnal hours in misty forests?

Not only is execution of the impractical plan fraught with flaws, but its rationale is inherently diabolical. Owls upon whom nature has conferred superior abilities will be exterminated to ensure survival of the weakest. That’s devolution — evolution gone backwards.

It’s foolhardy for busybody FWS staffers to quarrel with nature’s imperatives. They tried to cull majestic barred owls before in order that spotted ones may thrive in an artificially equal habitat. But their record is spotty, partly because of the underlying mechanism of natural selection, which heavily favors adaptability. It would be wise to acknowledge that the natural world is not equitable in that regard.

Maybe enforcing some tree equity through better forest management would satisfy barred owls, who are instinctually non-migratory. But for those who chose to head west after clear-cutting, are they necessarily “invasive,” deserving of a belly-full of gunshot lead? No.

It’s their prerogative to adapt to favorable environments. Now they’re home — native, if you will, for decades — in western states.

Some barred owls wander in search of prey, but they don’t need no stinking FWS passports to travel to exciting new destinations. Starting in the early 1900s, it’s their version of Manifest Destiny. Indeed, one of nature’s wonders is the migratory patterns of birds, but looking at it through the Fed’s equity prism, they’re willfully invading new territory to pillage and plunder.

Nevertheless, nature will inevitably have its way. Through interbreeding, some essence of spotted owls lives on in a hybridized incarnation creatively called “sparred owls.”

Nature doesn’t generally abide by anthropomorphic constructs that unnaturally promote those less capable.

In fact, sparred owls are quite fertile, and will even mate back with Barred Owls. No hard feelings then.

That’s quite a hoot, now don’t shoot.

Noel S. Williams is from England, but became a U.S. citizen in 1992. He’s a U.S. Navy veteran with a master’s degree in Human Resources, but is now an I.T. Specialist. He lives in Lakewood, where he hoots at the owls at night.

This story was originally published April 11, 2024 at 7:00 AM.