The Five Spot: 5 reasons Trump’s being tough on Seattle Russians

Five things that drove President Trump to close Russia’s consulate in Seattle and worry our region is a hotbed of spies.

1 Cloak-and-dagger operations are too easy around here due to prevalence of raincoats and damp, dark alleys.

2 Lenin has a bronze statue in Seattle’s Fremont district, but Trump only got a foam statue in the city’s Capitol Hill neighborhood ... for one day ... and it was naked.

3 In the interest of national security, extra safeguards are necessary for Boeing, Bangor submarine base and Bimbo’s secret spaghetti sauce recipe.

4 Our intelligence sources (i.e., Google) indicate that Boris and Natasha are in Tacoma, have planned a Sept. 30 wedding and are registered at Bed Bath & Beyond.

5 Forget the U.S. election hack. Putin will really bring us to our knees if he infiltrates Amazon headquarters and disrupts our inalienable right to online shopping and free shipping.

This story was originally published April 1, 2018 at 4:07 PM with the headline "The Five Spot: 5 reasons Trump’s being tough on Seattle Russians."